you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
