i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
God I need to hump something, right now.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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