i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
