covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
