Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
