screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
