I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
