EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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