Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
