Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i dont even know how to be here
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
