I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
A bitchslap is in order.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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