remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
