Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
