My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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