she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
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I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
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When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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