and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
