oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
