Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
