My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
