dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
