It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
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there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
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Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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