you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
