I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
