She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Pooping to opera.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
