I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
