Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
