I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
