I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
