if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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