I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
