So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
