I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
