I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
