I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
there's paper in my vomit.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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