dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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