there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
