I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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