You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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