I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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