The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
