my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
