he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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