i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
