ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
