Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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