so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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