End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
