She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
