Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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