We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
