I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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