Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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