Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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