4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
