so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
