If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
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