so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
