my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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