New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
