if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
