My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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