You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I forget how to act sober
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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