I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
