I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
