its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
