my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Can't talk, ducks in the car
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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